Screaming, yelling, throwing toys, and even hitting her little sister…. these are all the things my toddler does when she is frustrated.
My toddler’s frustration started becoming an issue when she was about 15 or 16 months old. She wanted to be more independent but found that she couldn’t do things alone. It was at this age that I taught her the sign for “help”. This was super useful because it gave her a different outlet to manage her frustration and it taught her that it’s okay to ask for help.
Now that my daughter is 2, she no longer uses the sign for “help”, but she is able to say the words “I need help”. I’m so proud of her when she can vocalize her needs, but there are certainly times when she is not able to contain her frustration and calmly ask for help. This is where we come in. It is up to us to teach our kids how to manage their feelings and express them in an appropriate manner.
1. Watch closely, but don’t always step in immediately
Use your best judgment with this. If your toddler starts throwing things and is being unsafe, by all means, step right in. Or if your toddler dives into an epic meltdown, you can also interject right away. However, if I notice my toddler is beginning to get frustrated, but she is still being safe, I like to watch her for a minute. Sometimes I’ll do this out of the corner of my eye, just so I can see her thought process and how she tries to solve a problem on her own. This teaches her problem-solving skills and how to be independent. It’s hard not to step in right away when you see your child struggling or to ask them if they need help, but I’ve learned that they can often figure it out on their own, and they just need the chance to do so. Giving them those extra seconds helps them see it for themselves, too.
2. Give them some tools to calm down
Let’s put an emphasis on tools to calm down. I’m not talking about distractions so they can forget about what made them frustrated. Don’t get me wrong, I use redirections often with my toddler, but not when it comes to dealing with emotions. It’s okay to feel frustration, anger, sadness, etc. We just have to teach them how to cope with these strong emotions. This is hard and takes lots of practice! By tools to calm down, I mean techniques they can use on their own (eventually). I’ve tried teaching my daughter some techniques I have used in my kindergarten class, such as taking deep breaths and counting to 5, but these didn’t help her. Maybe she’s too young, but either way, I had to provide her with a different tool. What really helps her now is simply saying “Oh man!”. That’s it. When she can’t put her baby doll in her stroller no matter how many times she has tried, she sternly says “Oh, man!” Teaching her these words helps prevent her from throwing the baby doll (most of the time).
“Oh man! I’m frustrated! I need help!”
– My 2-year-old
3. Teach them the words they need
Toddlers are still learning how to communicate and that’s frustrating in itself. They need to be taught the words to use in these situations. Try teaching your toddler the phrase “I need help”. As I mentioned earlier, I found that I had to teach my toddler how to ask for help early on. Since she wasn’t talking in sentences yet, I taught her the word in sign language. Whenever I used the sign her help, I would always model the phrase “I need help”. This way, she would be able to use it when her speech and language developed more. I also always remind my toddler there are two things she can do if she is feeling frustrated – she can try again or ask for help. I always use the same phrase when reminding her “If you’re frustrated, you can try again or ask for help. What do you choose?” I like to keep it simple. Frustration is complicated enough. Lastly, I have also taught my toddler to name her feeling. I’ll often hear her say to herself “I’m frustrated”. And I actually love hearing this. I love that she can tell that she is frustrated and that she is communicating it. It’s the first step to being able to manage the feeling!
4. Praise them
Even if they had a 30-minute meltdown – praise them. You can almost always find something to praise them for in the end. Whether they used their words to tell you why they were upset, if they picked up the object they threw, or if they simply stopped crying/yelling – praise them. You can say things like “I love how you used your words to tell me why you’re upset”, “I’m proud of you for picking up your toy”, and “It was hard to calm down, but you did it”. Try to stay away from negatives like “I’m glad you didn’t throw your toy” because all they really hear is “Throw your toy”.
5. Remember to stay calm (I’m talking about you)
This list is about ways you are teaching your toddler how to deal with frustration, so you need to be a role model. I’ve heard parents yell at their kids “Stop yelling!” and I completely empathize with them because sometimes that’s all you want to do is yell. BUT, that’s not going to help them and it won’t help you either. Remember to take a deep breath and just listen to them, let them cry it out, and then provide them with the tools and words they need to cope. You can help set them up for success when the next meltdown inevitably happens.
The takeaway
Not only are feelings complicated and difficult to understand, but we also have to learn how to manage them. This is a lot for a toddler who is still trying to make sense of the world. I always try to remind myself of this and the fact that sometimes there might be something else going on in their head or body. Sometimes they’re hungry, tired, or even scared. That’s why it’s important to give your child those extra seconds to assess the situation and give them the chance to figure it out on their own or to just let them ask for help. And never forget to praise them. You don’t have to be over the top about it, especially when they’ve just experienced a big emotion, but just make sure you mean it. I like to whisper these praises to my daughter. It makes it more private and I hope it reassures her that I am proud of her. 💗
