Tantrums. They’re inevitable. Kids throw tantrums because they’re still learning how to manage their emotions. This isn’t easy and we have to remember that adults struggle with it, too.
There’s this idea that when you see a child throwing a tantrum the caregiver’s role should be to put an end to it. People’s instinct is to stop the behavior, whether it’s crying, whining, or yelling. Typically, people resort to distracting the child or giving them what they want.
These things might stop the tantrum, but they’re not helping the child.
We want to provide children with the tools to manage their emotions. By distracting the child or giving in to their wants, we’re putting a band-aid on their emotions without teaching them how to cope with them.
Instead, follow these 3 steps:
- Connect
- Soothe
- Redirect (if needed)
Step 1: Connect
Get down to the child’s eye level. This initiates the connection.
Let them know you understand why they are upset. Avoid saying things like “You’re okay” or “Don’t be upset”. To them, the situation is not okay and they should be allowed to feel whatever emotion they are feeling. The learning comes when we teach them what to do with their big feeling – how to cope with it.
During this first step, work with your child to name their feeling.
“When your child can name the accurate emotion, and not just any emotion, this will further help to calm the brain and help your child make sense of their emotions.”1
If they’re not able to name their feeling, help them by saying “You’re feeling frustrated” or “You’re feeling angry” and then connect with them by saying “I understand” or “I’d be feeling frustrated, too, if I had to stop playing”.
“Connection creates calm for your child’s emotions, and the key for parents is being willing to allow the pain their child is feeling, which offers the ability to soothe.”1
Step 2: Soothe
Once the child has named their feeling (or you have named it for them if they needed help) and you’ve established a connection with them, you’re ready to start soothing.
Give them a hug, rub their back, or just offer your presence and soothing voice. Even though you’re the one who caused these big feelings does not mean it’s you against them. You’re a team.
Use a soft voice and reassuring words; “I know it’s hard to stop playing, but I’m here to help you.” If you are around other people, it’s okay to whisper so only the child can hear you. This reassures the child that it’s you and them; a team.
Sometimes, this step involves holding them as they cry. And that’s okay. They’ve named their feeling and now they’re allowing their body to feel it. Once they calm down, you can both move on to the last step: redirecting (if needed).
*If the child is trying to explain to you why they are upset through sobs and tears, encourage them to calm down before speaking; “When you’re ready, we can talk”. (Continue to soothe them throughout this process).
Step 3: Redirect (if needed)
After you’ve connected and soothed the child, they are more likely to follow the direction you gave them.
If this behavior was provoked by a transition, it’s okay to offer a glass of water, for example, to allow them to move forward with the change in activity.
This is also the time to redirect them if necessary.
Redirecting can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it shouldn’t be the first step we take when a child is having a tantrum. Naming their feeling and connecting with them comes first.
Praise
Don’t forget to praise the child.
Emotions are complex and it takes practice to be able to cope with them.
If the child is able to come out of a tantrum and regulate their feelings, then they should be praised. Whether it takes them 5 minutes or an hour to go through these 3 steps, they still need to be praised.
You can say something like, “I’m so proud of you for naming your feeling and understanding that it’s time to clean up” or simply “I’m so proud of you for calming down your body”.
To sum it up
Remember that you and the child are a team.
Even though you are the one giving the direction, allow yourself to be empathetic and guide the child through the steps to calm down.
And remember that it’s okay to experience big feelings. We just have to teach children how to cope with them, and this takes practice and patience on both your parts.
References
Ellis, Dustin. “Connect, Then Redirect: Helping Calm Your Child’s Brain and Emotions.” GROW Counseling, 13 Aug. 2018, growcounseling.com/connect-then-redirect-helping-calm-your-childs-brain-and-emotions/.
