The first thing to keep in mind when raising strong and independent little humans is to treat them as strong and independent little humans.
The first time my 2-year-old went out to play on one of the first beautiful, warm spring days, she saw an ant crawling on our driveway. She instantly cringed, jumped away, and said “Mama!” Oh boy. Winters are long where we live and my daughter had not seen bugs since last September.
Instead of feeding into her fear of the ant, I said, “Oh wow! An ant! Look how fast it’s crawling!”
My attempt at this over-the-top excitement about ants (I’m never excited about ants), was not to distract my daughter, but to make her see things from a different perspective.
Yes, she had not seen ants in a long time, and in her defense, she may not even remember them at all. But we don’t have to fear what is new to us.
Even as an adult, I do fear new things. Change, new experiences, and new people are all scary to me. But I don’t want to raise my daughters thinking the same way I do. Yes, they may very well end up fearing some of the same things, and that’s okay. And sometimes fear is good. But, I want to expose them to the idea that you can see things from a different perspective before deciding whether you fear it or whether you want to give it a chance.
I’m going to share some things I do to encourage my daughters to be strong and independent. You can do these at any age (I have a 2-year-old and an 8-month-old). I will say that the earlier you start, the better.
It’s okay to not be okay
It makes me so proud when I hear my daughter tell me she’s “sad” or “frustrated”. The ability to understand her feelings and vocalize them shows me how strong she is. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when this is very difficult for her, but we work on it every single day.
When your child is upset, refrain from using the phrase “It’s okay” or “You’re fine”. Kids cry and have temper tantrums because something is wrong. Even though whatever it is may seem like a very little problem to us, it’s not to them.
We are dismissing our kids’ true feelings when we tell them that they are “okay”. Instead, get down to eye level with them and tell them you understand why they are upset. Use supportive words like, “That’s so frustrating” or “I’m sorry that happened to you”. Even if they are crying because you told them “no”, it’s okay to validate their feelings. Hearing you support how they are feeling will help them calm down. Once they are calm, you can talk through the situation.
Sometimes it may take a long time to get to this point, but you will get there together. Just remember to stick to it and use a calm voice – no matter how frustrated you, yourself, might be.
Never discourage them
Unfortunately, we may not always realize that we are discouraging our kids.
This may happen when we tell our kids that they are “too little” or “not strong enough” to try something.
I hear this often at the playground. A child will run up to the “big kid” structure and try to climb it, and their parents tell them “no” because they are not old enough.
I never want my daughters to feel like they can’t do or even just try something. As long as they are being supervised and staying safe, it’s okay for them to take some risks.
I’m not saying to let your 1-year-old go down the big slide by themselves because they want to. But, if your 1-year-old wants to try going down that slide, put them as high up from the bottom as you can reach and guide them down securely.
My point is to give them a chance.
Yes, my 2-year-old might not be able to climb up the scary spider web thing at the playground (turns out it’s called a spider climber), and as much as I don’t want her to climb it because I’m scared she’ll get hurt, I let her.
I let her try to climb it while I hold an outstretched arm behind her in case she loses her balance. If she makes progress, I cheer her on. If she starts to panic, I still cheer her on and say “It’s scary, but you’re being so brave!” And if she falls or backs out, I still support her by saying “That was tough! We can try again later.”
After all, aren’t we always saying that all kids are different and that they develop at different rates? How do you know your child can’t handle something if you don’t let them try? Always be there right next to them to not only make sure they are safe but to also provide them those supportive words if they don’t succeed.
It’s okay to ask for help
It’s as simple as that.
Needing help with something is not a negative thing. It takes courage and strength to ask for help.
Try avoiding phrases like “You don’t need help”. Instead, try “Give it a try first and let me know if you need help”.
Provide wait time
This point goes right along with my previous one about asking for help.
Try not to offer help right away – give them a chance.
If you notice your child is struggling with something and they are getting frustrated, don’t jump right in. You’re not teaching them anything by rushing in to help.
By providing some wait time (meaning you just observe without interfering), you are letting your child assess the situation, develop some feelings, and then decide what to do.
Yes, they may become infuriated and throw a tantrum, but that’s okay. That’s when you step in and let them know you understand why are feeling frustrated, and you problem-solve together. After the tantrum, you can explain to them that if they are frustrated, they can either try again or ask for help.
Related: “5 Ways to Help Toddler With Frustration“
Be a role model
Be the person you want your child to be. When raising strong and independent kids, we, ourselves, need to demonstrate strong and independent behavior.
We aren’t perfect and we don’t have to pretend we are, but we do have to be role models for our kids. It’s okay to say things like “This is hard, I’m going to try again” or “I tried, but I can’t do it. I’m going to ask for help”.
Remember, kids are constantly watching and learning from us, so we need to teach them the appropriate language for situations and instill constructive ideas.
Praise them
Celebrate their wins and support them through their losses.
You are the most important person to your child, and they need your constant support.
Praise can look very different. It can be jumping up and down and clapping to celebrate a job well done, or it can be a quiet “I’m proud of you” or “good job” in your child’s ear – whatever your child needs.
Let them have a voice
Your child is young, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have a voice. They have wants and needs and it’s up to you to let them vocalize them.
They often need help learning the words and phrases to express themselves, but don’t forget to listen to them.
We all know how long it can take for a child to get an entire sentence out and you’re sometimes you’re itching to jump in and fill in those missing words they are searching for in their head – but resist the urge! Give them wait time and let them form their thoughts and opinions independently. They’ll get their message across and you’ll know when or if you need to step in.
The phrase “How are you feeling?” may sound like a sappy thing to say, but it’s extremely helpful to your child. Start by teaching your child basic feelings – happy, sad, upset, frustrated, mad (don’t forget “hungry”! – it can often be the reason for lots of tantrums).
Lastly, don’t forget to value their opinion. This goes along with my very first point when I say it’s okay to not be okay.
If your child says they are scared in a situation where you don’t think they should be, avoid saying “No, you’re not. You’re fine”. They’re not. They just told you they are scared. Let them speak up for themselves and hear them out. If you don’t think they should be scared, talk to them, but don’t dismiss their feelings. You can say something like, “Why are you scared? Is it too loud for you?” It’s a great skill to be able to vocalize their feelings, so dig deeper and try to find out the “why”.
To sum it up
Raising strong and independent kids takes consistency and patience. You’ll hear me use these two words often when it comes to parenting. When, not if, but when, you get frustrated with your child, remember these two words. Take a deep breath and remember that they have a voice, they are strong, and they are independent.
You are your child’s absolute favorite person in the world, and they need you to guide them to become strong and independent individuals. They will get so far in life with these two qualities.
Let’s set up our kids for a wonderful future.
