Things didn’t always come naturally to me when I was in school. I had to work for my grades and put in the effort to succeed. Maybe that’s why this concept of praising effort and not intelligence or ability hits so close for me.
As a mom to two littles and a former kindergarten teacher, I feel even more strongly about this idea.
The goal is to raise kids who are courageous, hard-working, and who persevere. One of the ways we can encourage these traits is with positive reinforcement: praising them when we see them exhibiting these characteristics.
The other day I was reading a book with my 2-year-old and she was able to tell me the kite in the book was purple and lila (which means purple in Catalan). I was super proud of her for making the connection between two different languages and knowing that they both meant the same thing. Instead of praising her intelligence and saying something like “You’re so smart!” I chose to praise her effort and said “That’s right! You’re been practicing your color words!”
By praising her intelligence, I’d be implying that she’s naturally smart and that’s why I am proud of her.
Praising her effort is much more meaningful. By telling my toddler that she’s been practicing, I am complimenting and reinforcing her hard work and perseverance. I’m not proud of her for knowing the word in two languages, I’m proud of her because she worked hard to learn it.
After all, isn’t the road we take and how we get there more important than the end result?
These two types of praise have many different long-term effects.
“Praising children’s intelligence, far from boosting their self-esteem, encourages them to embrace self-defeating behaviors such as worrying about failure and avoiding risks. However, when children are taught the value of concentrating, strategizing, and working hard when dealing with academic challenges, this encourages them to sustain their motivation, performance, and self-esteem.”1
I also saw this firsthand in my classroom as a teacher. I had students who, throughout their lives, had been told they were smart. They would tell me this themselves. Oftentimes, these students were performing above grade level, but when things got tough, they would struggle.
I would differentiate the work for them, in other words, I would challenge them.
I found that these students struggled when they were asked to work harder to get to the end result. This wasn’t because they couldn’t do it – they had it in them, but I was encouraging them to work a little harder and approach a problem differently. When they began to see that the solution or answer was not as easy to get to, they would shut down.
“When students think they are born with a particular skill, they are less likely to put in additional effort. They practice less, study less, and try less.”2
Unfortunately, this is exactly what I saw in my students.
Instead of praising kids for being born with a skill, we should be praising them for the traits they demonstrate in order to learn a skill.
Praise like “You are the best runner” or “You are the smartest kid I know” can have a negative effect on a child’s perseverance and motivation. Oftentimes, these praises are insincere and are just empty words that are used to acknowledge something a child is doing.
If we throw out praise far too often, it becomes empty and insignificant. Let’s praise kids for what really makes us proud. If we do this, they’re more inclined to listen.
Praise like “You worked so hard and didn’t give up” and “You tried doing things a different way” focus on recognizing traits like determination, courage, focus, perseverance, motivation, problem-solving, and the list goes on. These are the traits that make a person successful – not whether or not they are smart.
So, let’s make our words count.
Let’s not throw out empty praise that negatively affects kids and let’s start talking to them with meaning. Changing the way we praise lets a child know just how proud we are of their actions and thought processes – the traits and characteristics that make them who they are.
How do you praise effort? Share in the comments to provide inspiration for others!
References
Reuters. “Praise Children for Effort, Not Intelligence, Study Says (Published 1998).” The New York Times, 14 July 1998, www.nytimes.com/1998/07/14/science/praise-children-for-effort-not-intelligence-study-says.html.
Lavoie, Martina. “Praising Children for Effort Rather than Ability.” Oxford Learning, 30 Mar. 2021, www.oxfordlearning.com/praising-children-for-effort-rather-than-ability/#:~:text=Why%3F,in%20to%20reach%20their%20goals.
