I thought we were already in the thick of it with our toddler until yesterday.
Every little thing set her off all day. She became easily frustrated, upset, and defiant. She often responded with “no” seemingly without even realizing it and she resisted my help over and over again.
Yesterday was tough. And even though today has been a little better, I can still see the struggles that my daughter is going through.
I’ve never been a fan of the term “the terrible twos” for two reasons: it puts all non-preferred behaviors under one umbrella term and it’s negative.
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Yes, this phase of defiance, talking back, and meltdowns can be extremely taxing for the caregiver as well as the child, but that’s not all it is. This is a challenging time for young children because they are learning how to communicate, understand feelings, and gain independence.
And that’s a lot.
I felt like a terrible mom yesterday because I lost my patience. We had just gotten home from running an errand and I had my 10-month-old in my arms, I was holding the 2 bags from Lowe’s, and my toddler was walking up the stairs that lead from our garage to the first floor. I tell you she was “walking”, but she wasn’t. She was extending one of her legs up two steps and back down again. Over and over again. Meanwhile, my baby is poking my lips and sticking her pointer finger in my mouth (not gently, might I add).
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My 10-month-old was heavy, the bags in my hands were breaking, and I politely and calmly told my toddler “We go up one step at a time”.
No response.
“Sweetie, show me how you walk up the stairs.”
No response.
“Hun, do you need help or can you do it by yourself?”
No response.
Then the bags ripped and everything fell on the stairs.
That’s when I lost my patience.
I had tried all the gentle parenting techniques. I didn’t tell my daughter that my arms were tired and what I was carrying was heavy: that would have been too much for her to understand. I didn’t yell at my daughter to “Hurry up”: that would have frustrated her. And I didn’t leave my daughter behind: that would have hurt her feelings.
I did everything I thought was right and it didn’t work. And when those bags broke, I broke, too.
I grunted so loud, took her hand, and rushed her up the stairs, all while apologizing to her, “I’m, sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Because I knew I could have done better.
I felt terrible and she was now upset. We both hugged at the top of the stairs as my baby clung to us both.
Mothers, just like anyone else, are human, too. And we lose our patience. We are constantly multitasking, getting demands thrown our way, and we never stop. As soon as there is a moment of silence, someone needs us.
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We’re overstimulated all the time. “It’s time for a nap. They didn’t sleep long so they’ll be tired earlier. Time to make lunch. Did they eat enough? When was the last time they used the bathroom? The upstairs bathroom needs to be cleaned. I’ll do it when we go upstairs before the next nap.” And it goes on and on.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglass.
So we have to be strong ourselves. We have to be an example for them. If we don’t manage our emotions then we can’t expect them to.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s so damn hard sometimes. But we have to work at it. And when we fail, we apologize. We let them know that we made a mistake. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled” or “I’m sorry I got frustrated. Let me try again”.
We’re raising kids. Let’s do our very best because we only get one shot. Let’s raise them to be nurturing, kind humans while we still can.
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