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My toddler’s new phrase is “I can’t“. I normally don’t read too much into her coming-and-going expressions, but this one hit differently.
I was caught off guard when I first heard her say “I can’t”. My daughter has always been one to say things like “No, I do it”, “Can I help”, or “I do it myself”. So, when my strong-willed 2-year-old said “I can’t” when I asked her to bring her milk to the table, I thought I had misheard her. It’s not like she was being defiant and saying “no”, she was saying she couldn’t.
I know toddlers experiment with their words and expressions. They pick up new phrases they hear and use them over and over again to test them out. This is why my husband and I try to model proper and positive language to the best of our ability because toddlers are always listening. Even when you don’t think they are!
The reason her new phrase bothers me so much is that I want my daughter to grow up to be strong and independent.
This doesn’t mean that she can’t ask her help when she needs it – I work on ways to ask for help with her every day. It also doesn’t mean that she’s supposed to be physically strong. I just want her to be mentally strong.
Related: “5 Ways to Help Toddlers With Frustration“
When she was very little (I’m talking around 7 months old), I let her struggle. That’s right. If I saw her cylinder sushi sorter toy roll away from her, I didn’t rush over to get it. I wanted her to learn that it’s okay if something doesn’t go your way, and that you can fix the problem on your own. That’s not to say I didn’t help her in some situations, but I was very aware of her level of independence.
Related: “How to Raise Your Kids to Be Strong and Independent“
When my daughter got older, I began teaching her how to be independent when it came to food and meals. I moved all her plates, cups, and utensils to a kitchen cupboard she could easily access (you can read more about this here: “How I Teach My Toddler How to Make Healthy Food Choices“). My goal was for her to be able to get her jar of peanut butter out of the pantry and a plate from her cupboard and put them both on the kitchen counter. I then make her a peanut butter sandwich (she sometimes helps me spread the peanut butter onto the bread), and then she brings her plate with the sandwich over to the table.
Being able to independently and willingly perform these steps is so important to me. Even if you think your toddler can’t handle doing “grown-up” tasks like this, the truth is, you don’t know until you try. Every child develops at different rates and they take different paths to get to where they are, but it’s good to challenge them every once in a while. I often use the phrase “Give it a try, if you need help, let me know“.
When getting my daughter dressed this morning I asked her to take her socks off and she responded “I can’t”. She wasn’t being defiant, I could tell by her tone. She just stood there almost seriously when she said it. I said to her “Of course you can. I can help you if you want, but you can do it”. I then flexed my arms and said “I am strong, I can do it!” and she repeated after me. My little girl then took her socks off and beamed at me after realizing she could.
I still have a lot to learn about the ways I can help my daughter become the strong and independent human I want her to be. My baby is only 7 months old, but I am doing the same with her. When I see my baby learning something new I say out loud for my toddler to hear “Look at her! She’s trying to pull herself up! Let’s see what she does.”
My daughters are very different, and I may need to teach them these qualities differently, but nevertheless, I will always be there to remind them how strong and independent they are, and that they can do it.
