As soon as my second child was born people would say “Oh, I feel bad for your first”. They would tell me to be sure to set aside quality time with my first child. She had never shared me before and adding a baby to the family would make her feel set aside and neglected.
Boy, they were wrong.
My toddler feels feelings louder than my baby. She shows frustration more intensely than my baby. And she yells for “mama” and “up” more ferociously than my baby can.
In those moments where they both want me, my toddler jumps and pulls at my limbs, while my baby slowly but desperately crawls towards me.
This has been my biggest challenge since becoming a mom of two. Lucky for me, both my little ladies are “mama’s girls”, but as much as I love the constant, and I mean constant, attention, dividing it has its challenges.
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It’s not like I didn’t know this was going to happen. I’ve always wanted multiple kids and I’ve been well aware that there will only ever be one of me.
When I shower my baby with kisses in front of my toddler, I can’t help but look at her to make sure she’s okay. I sometimes also feel like I need to shower my toddler with kisses right after to make sure she doesn’t feel left out.
The truth is, things can’t always be equal. Even though I have these feelings of guilt, there will be times I show love to my first child and other times I show love to my second child. And they both need to learn that’s okay. I want them to understand that there is happiness in seeing their sibling be showered with kisses, without needing the attention to be on them at that moment. I want my children to be selfless and empathetic.
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One morning, my toddler was out with my husband and my baby was struggling to nap at home. This was out of the ordinary for her, so after several attempts to calm her down, I decided to take her on a walk.
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I quickly put her in her stroller and made my way down our street.
I hate to even admit this, but this was the first time I had taken my 8-month-old for a walk.
Instead of rushing around running errands or going to storytimes that are geared toward my toddler, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my baby.
My baby also feels feelings. She shows frustration through grunts and whines. And she calls for me not with her voice, but with her actions.
Spreading your love as a mom is tough. You have so much love to give, but sometimes it needs to be shown in turns, and that can be challenging for not only you but for your children.
I remind myself every day that it’s okay to give more attention to one of my girls some days. It’s not about making life fair and equal for them. It’s about loving them unconditionally and showing this to them through your words and actions.
I was thankful for my time with my baby on my walk that morning, but it did not mean I owed time to my toddler. Times like these present themselves organically, and it’s not about keeping score. As long as you take advantage of any quality time you have with your children, they will always feel special and loved.
To all the parents who are sharing their love with multiple kids, you’re doing great.
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