Sharing and taking turns are very different concepts and they’re both vital when it comes to play.
People are quick to tell their kids to share, but the truth is that kids aren’t developmentally ready to share until they are older – around 3 or 4 years old1. Taking turns comes first.
Taking turns
Around the age of 21, kids can start practicing taking turns. You can start introducing this concept at home while you play with your child. Providing a safe and familiar environment with someone they feel comfortable with is a great place to start.
Challenge your child by asking them if you can have a turn with whatever toy they are using. Model the language they can use when asking someone for a turn. Remember – your child learns language from you, so be the example.
Related: “How I Improved My Baby’s Communication With Sign Language“
Taking turns doesn’t have to happen right away. If you ask someone for a turn, it doesn’t mean they have to give up what they are using immediately. It’s okay to reply with “I’m still using this, but you can have a turn when I am done”. Just don’t forget to follow through when teaching this to your child. Always remind them to offer the toy when they seem to be done with it.
To make this transition go smoothly, you can say something like, “It looks like you’re done playing with the car and now you’re playing with the dinosaur. Let’s give your friend a turn with the car now”. Reminding them about the new toy helps them understand they have moved on and that they can now give their peer a turn.
Lastly, when introducing this skill, don’t forget to explain it. We know what taking turns means, but your child might not yet.
Instead of saying “Give your friend a turn”, try saying, “After you’re done using the car, you can give it to your friend and let them have a turn”.
Sharing
Sharing is a more complex concept.
Most kids don’t develop the ability to share until they are around 3 or 4 years old. This doesn’t mean you have to wait until this age to introduce it – it just means it’s best to be mindful that your child may struggle with the concept if they are not yet ready.
Don’t forget to explain what sharing means by saying “You and your friend can both use the sand toys at the same time if you sit near each other”.
To share, kids need to be able to play together (associative play).
Just like taking turns, you can start modeling this concept at home. Be conscious of what you are asking your child to share. Realistically, you might not be able to share a toy like a car (that would most likely fall under taking turns), but you can share the ramp you are rolling the car down by using your car.
Sharing vs. taking turns
It’s easy to throw out these terms – “Make sure you are sharing” or “Don’t forget to take turns“. It’s essential to use this terminology, but overusing it turns them into bothersome and quite frankly annoying things to hear. Your goal is for your child to view these concepts are positive since they are including others in their play.
Keep in mind your child’s age, but also what they are capable of. I find that this consists of a combination of understanding what your child can handle, while also challenging them when appropriate. A lot of times children are capable of more than we give them credit for, so don’t be afraid of putting them a little out of their comfort zone to teach these skills, as long as you work through it with them.
Related: “5 Ways to Help Toddlers With Frustration“
To sum it up
Sharing and taking turns are two different skills. Although they often work together, one comes before the other.
Kids are often ready to start taking turns first while sharing comes later.
Sometimes we find ourselves throwing both terms in the same sentence, “Remember to share and take turns”. Ooph, that’s quite a lot to ask of a little one. It’s okay to say this when your child has had experience with both these skills and when they may not need much guidance with it, but avoid saying something like this when your child still needs support in these social situations.
And always remember – kids are different. They develop at different rates and that’s okay. Just because most kids are ready to start taking turns around the age of 2 doesn’t mean your child is. You know your child better than anyone, so you know just how much to challenge them and when to begin teaching these complex skills.
These skills aren’t learned in a day, but it’s important to continue to work on them consistently. Take the time to talk through these social situations and always praise them for the progress they make. With guidance, we can teach and provide them the tools they need to eventually be able to utilize these skills on their own because that’s the goal – creating independent kids that can navigate life.
You’ve got this, mama.
Related: “How to Raise Your Kids to Be Strong and Independent“
Related: “I Want My Daughters to Be Strong and Independent“
References
Lovevery, Team. “Is Your Toddler Ready to Take Turns and Share?” Lovevery, 12 May 2023, lovevery.com/community/blog/child-development/is-your-toddler-ready-to-take-turns-and-share/#:~:text=Children%20may%20be%20cognitively%20and,later%2C%20beginning%20around%20age%20four.
